would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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