So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
