alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Sorry my hands just texted you
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
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