Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
