why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
There are leaves in my underwear?
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