So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
