So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
