Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize