I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
