You really coming over, don't trick.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
