I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize