ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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