My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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