Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
