I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
