Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize