went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
