I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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