i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
