Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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