I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
