Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it glows. i had to have it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
