Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
