i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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