My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
