so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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