somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Ketchup is God's man juice
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
