What a fucking waste of an outfit
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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