I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
