I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
