elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
