you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
where does the pee come out of this thing
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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