KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
