True but thats because hes a fetus.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
