what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i drank out of a bidet.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
