K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
