if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
