Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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