even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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