Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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