don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
