Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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