I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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