Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
