The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
