Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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