Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
