My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
