How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
