I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
