and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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