OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
