I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
