all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
