Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
