I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
