I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
4 words: hood of his car
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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