"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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