i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
