I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
