i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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