I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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