there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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