I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
