I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
