I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize