i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
